Learning to Listen

As I write this it is raining outside, and all I hear is the constant pitter patter of water falling on everything it touches. There is something soothing about the downpour; it drowns out all the chaos of the noise that is everyday life, and makes you want to stop and listen. 

The past couple of months for me have been an accumulation of so. much. noise. So many doctors with things to say, so many people with opinions, so many thoughts of my own rattling around in my brain until I can't take it anymore. 

When diagnosed with cancer, it's as though things start to move at a faster pace (against your will) and you are placed on a conveyer belt of medical treatments that do not stop moving. I saw my oncologist, had more blood tests, was consulted by an infertility doctor, and my team of doctors were ready to get me started with embryo freezing as a preventative measure against the damage that chemo could cause, and then start with the hormonal injections to keep me in a state of menopause throughout the cancer treatment. After all that, they would start the six sessions of chemotherapy that I was scheduled to do (whew...yes, it's a lot). At some point during all of this though, something deep inside of me did not feel right. I got so sick of the repetitive pattern of doctors telling me the decisions that I needed to make, but at the same time none of their treatments were 100% going to "work." I felt as if I was moving forward without stopping, being pushed to make every decision out of the fear of what could happen if I didn't act quickly. 

I had to get off the conveyor belt. I had to stop listening to so many voices so I could hear just the one that mattered. About a month ago now, I got on my knees and pleaded that God would answer me clearly, that he would speak to me loudly enough through all of the noise in my head so that I could hear Him and understand where to go from here. And He did, as He always does... 

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Sometimes when faced with difficult decisions, especially when our health is concerned, fear is the instinct that kicks in and the deciding factor in whether or not we choose to take a certain path. We fear the unknown, the worst case scenario, or even just the lack of control of our lives in general. Ironically all of this is in contrast to how God has told us to live our lives (see above verse). For me, maybe I was living in fear of cancer more than the fear of God. Maybe I felt like I could control the outcome of my life by adhering to the treatments prescribed by doctors, instead of realizing that I have no control, only God does. Maybe I made my decisions out of fear of the worst case scenario, rather than out of faith in God.

As I have been studying the healing and miracles of Jesus in the first few books of the New Testament recently, I was reminded of a common theme: faith. Throughout all of the miracles that are performed Jesus asks for FAITH; faith that He alone is the healer, the provider, and in control of our lives. I began to ask the Lord to heal me, and take a step of faith ready to go down whichever path He had for me. I dove head first into the black hole that is research about alternative cancer therapies, and in His miraculous plan, God provided a natural practitioner whom I have been seeing instead of moving forward with traditional medical treatments such as chemotherapy. The short story is that this natural practitioner effectively found and fixed the root cause of my cancer, which turns out to be endometriosis that was started by a virus that I have had for about 10 years, interestingly enough....in essence, I believe the root cause of the cancer has been healed, and God has made it clear to me that chemotherapy is not the route I need to be taking. 

But above the physical side of this whole situation, I believe that God has given me the privilege (yes, you heard me right) to have been afflicted by this horrible thing we like to call cancer, in order that my faith and trust in the only Healer could grow so much deeper.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:2-6

So where do we go from here? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. But what I know is this: I am grateful for what I have been through the last couple months, and surprisingly enough I would not change a thing (even saying that is a bit scary, I know). I am learning more about health and nutrition from a holistic perspective, more about cancer than I ever wanted to know, and am excited as I am working on changing different aspects of my life in light of everything. Above it all though, I continue to learn to put my complete faith in God more and more as I listen to His direction through all the noise that is in this life, and am reminded that my goal is to know God more and make Him known - and to that end, I am excited to share with you what I learn as I take the next steps moving forward.