Recently I have found myself comparing the pro’s and con’s in my life. The pro’s being that I am going to an awesome school finishing my last semester, I have an incredible boyfriend (whom God literally just dropped into my life) great friends, and a family that supports me…The con’s however, include needing to look for another job to pay my school bill, not knowing what I am doing after graduation, and not wanting to do my homework (but I guess that one is generally a frequent con in my life). I think I end up comparing these two in a weird, maybe twisted, effort to try to figure out where I’m going next in this transition of life.
But I’m sort of in this depressing funk, trying to take each day one step at a time, struggling through what it means to truly trust God with what He says He will do on an hourly basis. Patience is one of the virtues I don’t believe I have ever claimed to have…but I have a bad feeling that God wants me to learn about it.
Some months ago, as I was pleading with God to tell me what the future held or give me some answer as to what I should do next, He simply told me “Jillian, I want you to focus on now and not worry about what’s next. I am a better planner than you, believe it or not.” The truth is, although I believe these words logically, I have a hard time living like I believe them practically. As unsettling as it may be to admit, honestly, sometimes I believe that I am a better planner than God. Realizing that I have to wake up every morning and restart the battle of surrendering my own will to that of my Father’s is a daunting task – yet, that is what we as Christians are called to do, is it not? We are called to get up every morning, and make a choice – the choice to attempt to fight for our own will, which is intrinsically chained to Satan, somehow believing that we are wiser, stronger, and better than the Almighty God (I know, dumb right?)…or the choice to surrender that will, and follow Christ in whatever He may ask of us. I would hope that the right choice seems obvious, but I would be lying if I said that it is easy to actually choose this every morning. The fact of the matter is though, I have made that choice, and currently that entails being patient on God’s plans and living for Him by focusing on the now. Most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, but a good friend of mine told me recently, “If you think about it, no one seems to have any idea what the hell they are doing in each stage of life; kids have no idea how to become adults, new parents have no idea how to be parents, and everybody else diving into something new in life has no idea what they are doing because they have never been there before.” …to some extent, I think she is exactly right. The cool part is, even though I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, God says that He will direct our steps, in every stage of life. What an incredible thought: The God of the universe, sovereign over time and space has chosen to direct MY steps…ME. Working in my life so closely that He can direct not only the big picture, but each individual step…now that is NUTS.
So here I am: waiting… choosing… learning… walking…